I Still Would

Monday, November 23, 2009

verse prose verse

i still thought there was a moment of doubt in your eyes, a curious quiver in your humour.

i thought that if i'd just try harder.

i still thought there was interest in your step

with your stupid pink shoes matching your stupid pink shirt.

i thought i could act smarter.

thinking up wonderfully charming things to tell you;

rearranged memories of that day

we went for sushi and you held my hand

i asked you to be my man

and you said no.

you're perfectly in my way every morning when i get coffee

you're perfectly in my way.

what a real friend is, is someone who will write that the one you swoon for

is a bitch. it hit me that i have a real friend because she did this for me.

i still trip thinking that you're lovely and i'd like to tell you

regardless of your attitude and your undeserving nature.

i jumble words in your presence, i can't make sentences sound fluid.

i can't make sentences. though i'd like to.

resort memories of you to reruns

because our season's all done

there was a month or two i held your attention

and your affection.

it was sub-par and that's all I'll let you have.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

another paper on aids.

Really? Another paper on HIV/AIDS? Really? Can I actually come up with a new perspective on the SAME topic again? Really?

I certainly should not be a cultural studies student. I can't wait to be in european romanticism.

this one last essay and then this class is finished.

kind of takes the pressure off, doesn't it?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

it's surprizingly, the best when you're so damn tired you lack energy to feel anything else. and i'm not so tired right now that i feel that way, but i am pretty sleepy and it's a great feeling when you don't think too hard and instead of wondering about this girl or that girl or that friend or phone calls you want everyone to shut up and let you sleep.

really it's no way to live because you can't get shit done when you're sleepy, but it's certainly a good passtime. also, i really hate the sound of coughing. it's pretty anal and selfish of me, but keep that cough DOWN motha fuckas. did i fail to mention that irritability increases and regard for others decreases? that DOES happen... and i'm quite alright with it.

jerk? tired? lame? friendless? likely. regard? none. perfect.

hermit hermit hermit.

until i swoon again over some girl who feels, perhaps, how i feel now. or how i feel when i really have no emotion towards the other person.

it's aweful when you can even EMPATHIZE when you can't rationalize your emotions as they happen to you. yes, happen TO YOU. can't control that shit. damn.

still going

gawd. all this living is long and draining. i am still going. i still would be going. fuck.

running, in my mind, between honesty and fear... to find one, a girl i guess, or a lover, to find one and to fear their tremor, to fear their reaction. if molly has taught me something- and she's taught me a few things- it is that there is no harm in being narcissistic... infact, some lovers find it charming. maybe i find confidence such an attraction that i might try it myself sometime.

on days, however, while walking to school, i look at my clothing and feel like im a child playing dressup, a child pretending to be independant, pretending to be whole.

in a field, i am the absence of field. - mark strand.

the position has again opened up for someone to come along and share all my stuff with me. i have good books and good crafts. questionable humour, and terrible taste in movies. i vaccum occasion, and will live off oatmeal and maccoroni for a week or two as i avoid grocery shopping. i am not a vegitarian, nor do i have any desire to be so.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

macboek

I have joined the movement. I will be making more movies and recording more music than anyone will be inclined to bother with. I will make albums of myself in all shades of sepia, comic book style, black and white.... i will make films of this.

isn't that a funny macbook. i am one step removed